I can’t believe I have to write this post but the current level of darkroom etiquette in the London trans scene is absolutely appalling so here I am.

If you were given one of my cards with a URL to this page, congrats, you’re part of the problem. This post is my attempt to find a way to communicate with you about your bad behaviour without ignominiously yeeting your ass halfway across the playspace. Maybe it will help you to be less of an odious cunt in the future — hope springs fuckin’ eternal here at Fetish Dot Church.

Rule #1: You still need basic-ass communication and consent, even in a darkroom

Whatever you did to piss me off, please realise that if we were in the broader kink scene I probably would have tried to get your ass removed from the venue. In the kink scene, communication and consent are absolutely paramount, and doing things like inserting yourself into someone else’s scene is grounds for ejection. Unfortunately I spend more time in the, ahem, “TS/TV” scene, and trans women can never have anything good or nice so here we go.

You still need to communicate, even though the environment allows and encourages anonymity.

This is particularly important around issues of sexual health. You should always ask before inserting yourself raw into someone. I’m poly and getting “stealthed” like that (which is a form of sexual assault by the way, make no mistake) basically means I have to wait a fortnight to get tested before having sex with one of the people I genuinely care about, and it really isn’t a thing that should happen without being given some sort of consent. Your dislike of condoms is not a reason to cause me weeks of uncertainty and trauma, and you’re an asshole if you do; it comes across as genuinely transmisogynistic to give so little of a shit about someone you’re fucking. And like, yeah I’m on PrEP and yeah I do doxypep any time I fuck raw, but the decision to do that is mine, not yours.

Rule #2: Ask before inserting yourself in a scene.

Surprisingly, I increasingly feel like women are worse about some of this stuff than men. Last night I had some chick start patting me on the back while I getting railed by multiple guys. She was loudly talking to someone and said that “Sometimes I like the console the girls!” while she did this, so I literally shoved her away — byyyyye! Another time I was sucking off a group of guys and we were going to move on to having some of them rail me, but another chick pushed her way past and decided she was to go first even though she’d only been watching; the scene fizzled out pretty rapidly after that, and she kept hovering around all my scenes even after I told her to fuck off and learn some etiquette.

Any time you want something from someone who is actively engaged in a scene, ASK.

Want to join in and start playing with my bits? ASK.

Feel like sucking my nipples while I’m getting ploughed doggystyle? ASK.

Thinking about how much you’d like to kiss me while I’m on my back with my legs up in the air? Fuckin’ ASK motherfucker!

Often I’ll say yes if you ask. I love a lot of this stuff! Particularly having my tits played with while I’m being fucked, I will almost certainly let you. I’ll generally try anything once. If you don’t ask, however, and it throws me off my groove, expect anything from a slapped hand to a shove to me literally screaming at you to fuck off.

Some stuff I’ll absolutely switch on you if you piss me off with it. I had a guy who was nice and we were getting on but then he kept fingering me as I started to get into a scene, gradually increasing the number of fingers until he was close to fisting me. Not only was he literally trying to non-consensually stick his entire goddamn hand in my ass, he was also blocking the guys I was playing with from using my hole when it was seriously craving cock. I tried to be gentle at first but he kept doing it, and eventually I pulled him out of my ass, slapped away his hand, pointed at the door and said “LEAVE”. Buddy could have avoided that embarrassing fate if he’d just bothered to ask whether I wanted to be fisted in the first damn place, because I would’ve said no, and he could’ve tried something else.

Also, I have a pretty large amount of gender dysphoria surrounding my girlcock and you should absolutely ask before trying to play with it. A guy groping my balls or jerking my flaccid dick when I’m mid-scene is seldom pleasant for me; I hate it, please don’t do it without asking (who knows, it might even be the rare occasion when I do want it played with).

Rule #3: Protect the dolls

I am writing this in 2026. Trans women have endured untold misery and despair at the hands of a fascist British government that has decided we are now simply a problem to be dealt with; I find we have very little recourse when we’re the victims of sexual violence, especially if it’s in the context of a sex party. If you’re a guy at a party and think you’re witnessing bad behaviour, do something about it. It’s a sign if one of the girls has to constantly tell somebody to stop something and he keeps doing it; it help so much when a guy taps another guy on the shoulder and says “Hey, she asked you to cut that out”. That usually stops the behaviour dead in its tracks.

Further to that, if a girl asks that everyone use protection, please pass that need on to new guys who may be wanting to join the group and missed that initial request. If you see somebody go in without, you should probably inform her, though be discreet about it, it’s sometimes hard to tell whether consent was given or not.

Let the person at the centre of the scene set its norms. As a trans femme bottom, I put profoundly more effort into getting ready for a party than anyone else at it, and for me it’s as much as a performance as it is wild sex. On days where I plan to take a lot of dick, I moderate my food intake all day and often spend up to an hour douching so I don’t spray shit all over the guys fucking me. I think a lot about what I’m going to wear, what I’m going to do with my makeup, whether I want to subject myself to wearing heels. I do this to have a good time and give the people I’m playing with a nice experience. Please value that. Show that you do by refusing to normalise bad behaviour.

Remember: if it wasn’t for the dolls, the scene would simply be a bunch of horny straight men standing around all night.

In closing

This post is intentionally non-exhaustive. I’ll probably expand on it as I encounter brave new ways for people to be shitty to me at sex clubs, but for now I hope at least you take away the idea that communication and consent are important even in dimly lit playspaces. Please, try to do better. I didn’t go through the effort of writing this post and printing these cards because I’m a huge bitch, I did so because I want to see us all thrive and continue to enjoy these weird little spaces we find ourselves in, and it’s way better to address bad behaviour head-on instead of letting it fester and become normalised. I’d rather not have to make a scene by involving security, but I absolutely will if I’m bothered enough; this can be avoided entirely just by communicating a little bit before you do stuff.

Thank you.